Romantic Attraction
It is a rare soul who doesn’t feel the grasp of the nearly universal phenomenon. My guess is that you are well aware of what it feel like to be taken… by someone, another human being. A feeling of passion emerges, whether it’s limerence, infatuation, a crush, long-term love, a fling, heart fluttering, you want to be filled or to do the filling, to enter someones heart and mind, to have another enter yours. Perhaps it’s felt like they’ve been there all along, or that you’ve been waiting for them. There is a connect point, or two, or three, or four, or more. You want to share time and space, you want to devour their essence. Or, perhaps it’s less intense and it just feels nice. You share smiles and laughter, holding hands, a gentle gaze. There’s something there. Two souls meeting in this life, creating something they could not have alone, nor they could not have with another soul.
Many theories exist in attempts to explain the “why”. Out of anyone else in the world at this time, who falls within the age range, sex, and gender of what one’s typical attractions allow for…Why this one, and not another?
Pheromones? Genetic composition? Influence? Power? Appearance? Height? They remind you of your family of origin? Only me and God knows how many theories I’ve studied, and without explaining “I know!”, I do have many ideas. I believe everything is multifactoral. In the following paragraphs I will share a chosen few of these reasons why attraction takes place. May it offer perspective to your current state of singledom, partnership, or other.
1. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of many books including ““Why Him? Why Her?” writes that the reason two people are attracted to each other is because of their main “hormonal” type. There are only 4 types and we can have a main one, a secondary one, and so on. Everyone has different combinations of the four. They are: Dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen.
If one is dopamine dominant one is more likely to have a variety of partners, seek a “play-mate”, love adventure, be dopamine seeking, and be attracted to other dopamine-dominant humans.
If you are serotonin dominant, you are looking for a “helper-mate”, are community oriented, feel fulfilled and satisfied with small-talk, are more likely to sustain a long-term relationship and family unit, and are most attracted to other serotonin-dominant humans.
If you are testosterone dominant you are looking for a “mind-mate”, are fulfilled by your career, love to chat about intellectual topics, and are most attracted to estrogen dominant humans.
If you are estrogen dominant, you naturally take a care-taking role, you are looking for a “soul-mate”, love talking about and connecting over your emotional world, and are most attracted to testosterone-dominant.
Of course, every combination ends up with each other, and there are pros and cons to ever pair of mates. All types have their preferred dating style, their own conscious or subconscious thoughts and feelings about what sexual intimacy means to them, their own communication styles, and desires for relating.
Although the system Helen Fisher posits is very simple, seemingly almost too simple, there are truths that can really support individuals and couples in either their dating or in their relationship journeys. Learning about your own type can support you in understanding why you’re attracted to certain types of people, why other’s turn you off, even if you think they’d be good for you. In relationships, you can understand more about what causes dissonance or fighting.
2. Harville Hendrix is the author of “Getting the Love you Want”, speaks of the many reasons that people could be attracted to each other. Many of these reasons are completely valid, including: The other is just the right amount of balance between being familiar to our family of origin, but also novel and enticing.
The most “true” reason it is believed that two people are drawn to each other, however, is that it is the perfect person who will trigger all of your childhood and familial wounds, therefore giving you the most opportunities for healing and finding wholeness within yourself. He goes so far as to say that if you are in an relationship and feel like there is someone “better” for you, it is most likely that the person you’re with isn’t triggering your wounds and your soul knows there is someone else who would be. The theory is that the soul is always wanting to heal in order to find wholeness within itself.
This is especially true if you are on a spiritual or healing journey. But of course, this could potentially become tricky territory, navigating between what is a healthy dynamic vs an unhealthy one as well as if one’s behaviour is just “triggering” or if it really is “unsafe”. The difference being that being “triggered” brings one’s nervous system into a state of “feeling” unsafe, when in actuality they are safe. They only feel this way because the trigger is making their nervous system have unconscious memories of past times (potentially even pre-birth) that they didn’t have appropriate care or were actually in an emotionally, mentally, or physically unsafe experience.
This is where the magic of conscious relating comes in. When two people are committed to healing within the container of their relationship they are committing to providing care and safety for each other as well as themselves. From a highly spiritual perspective, two souls find each other in order to “do the work”. To push each other’s buttons but to also create space to listen, hold, and care for the wounds of the past.
For some this occurs in a “twin flame” like fashion: It ignites fast, a fire rages, destroying much karma that stands in the way, and then it burns up with no fuel left and no further room for growth. Other circumstances aren’t quite as intense; it just depends on what your soul is here to do.
In Harville Hendrix’ book, however, he writes to support sustainable, long-term relationships. By creating awareness and space for certain practices and ways of being in relation two humans can maintain a long-lasting connection as well as heal at the same time.
This aligns with Richard C. Shwartz’ system. With Internal Family Systems couples learn tools to heal past wounds that are almost always going to be triggered in partnerships. IFS, however, differs in that the sole responsibility for healing is within the one who is experiencing the trigger. The other is there to be witness (or not), but it is not necessarily their responsibility to help you heal those past wounds.
3. In the Human Design system, originally channeled by Ra Uru, there are various factors that play into mutual attraction. All of the reasons are based on two people’s body graphs in relation to each other. The two body graphs create a new shared amount of defined and open centers which they make the couple have either 9-0, 8-1, 7-2, 6-3, and so on. It is not likely that there would be many relationships with less than 6-3 because:
9 and 0, nowhere to go
8 and 1, let’s have some fun
7 and 2, there’s work to do
6 and 3, set them free
5 and 4, she’s out the door
Human Design posits that two energy bodies coming together wants to be be more “defined”. 9 and 0, for example, is 9 defined centres and 0 undefined centres. Because there are no centres undefined, both parties in the couple feel no need to fill any gaps in any other relationships. The downside of this pairing is a higher potential for co-dependency. It just feels so good to be together, and you feel complete. Until you want to rip each other’s heads off because you haven’t seen anyone else for months. Eek.
Human Design rates attraction and compatibility also based on gates and channels. Shared gates create a “friendly” or “companionship” type quality in the connection because there are similarities in energy. Opposite gates, which would bridge two “half-channels” pulls two people together magnetically, creating more “romantic” or sexual attraction. There may be a “you complete me” type of feeling.
4. In astrological systems, two charts overlayed in order to analyze the relationship compatibility is called a synastry chart. There are seemingly endless ways to interpret compatibility between two charts. While some aspects signify immediate attraction, such as “love at first sight” feelings, or an attraction that can spark infidelity, other aspects signify long-term potential.
A Jyotish may look at all of the aspects of the ascendents, moons, venus’, suns, and Jupiters of both parties to find the various nature of attraction and compatibility between two people. One may also look at their dashes (planetary phases) to see how aligned they are with the timing in their lives. Different aspects of nakshatra’s may also be looked at to determine sexual chemistry.
With a Vedic chart we can also see why one person may be attracted to another, but the attraction is not reciprocated. Attraction definitely is not always mutual, and by looking at two charts it can be very simple and clear why that would be the case. Understanding the nature of charts and relationships between planets may be supportive in the process of letting go of attachment or a crush if the feelings are not reciprocated.
If the feelings are mutual, then the planetary relationships as well as other factors can show us where potential tension points may be. With this awareness and understanding, couples are able to have more grace with each other and the relationship, so long as they are on the same page.
It takes many connecting factors to make a relationship last. The good news is that if the intention is there, along with a heart full of patience, we will all eventually meet a match, whether it’s a twin flame or a human to build a sustainable family unit with… That is, unless you are a renunciate and your soul is here to be celibate and live in a cave.
Although attraction can be analyzed and broken down into it’s parts, it’s important to remember that ultimately life and relationships are about the actually “lived experience”. Whether you have insecure attachment or secure attachment, only you and another can experience the love and connection (or lack thereof) between the two of you. Looking through the lens of various systems can be absolutely enlightening and supportive, but it is not the end game. Relationships also take actually time, communication, and learning about yourselves and each other in your relationship in order to thrive.
So, if there’s mutual attraction…great! Navigating that isn’t always as easy as you’d hope it would be. Fortunately, there are various tools we can use to support deepening intimacy, closeness, and connection.
I’d love to hear from you with questions or comments.
Bless,
Flowa
